look beyond the rain.

Connel and I are really lucky.

We get to spend a lot of time together.
We love to camp together, watch TV together, eat together, play together, sleep together (gasp!), walk together, ride in the car together, we even sometimes feed the fish together. We have been able to live in some really cool places, meet some really great people, have some really awesome trips.

People tell us all the time that we should "cherish this time that we have together"... and we do.

but then they say...

"before you have kids"...


(((sigh)))

...

Wanna know what I really want to tell people?

We've had our time. Trust me. A long time.

And really, if it was up to us, we'd give up the all-the-time "us time"
...in a heartbeat.

Why?

To tickle a babies soft skin. To change our own baby's daiper. To take our kids to the zoo. To show our kids how to feed the fish. To wake up in the middle of the night because there is a baby crying. To carry our screaming child out of sacrament meeting. To throw up every hour, every stinking day if it meant that we had a child on the way...we'd give up the time. Yes. Definitely.

But...like I said... if it was up to us. The thing is...

It's not up to us.

What is up to us is how we accept it, how we deal with it. It seems to encompass everything that we do. Whether we let it or not. It is still there. So we have to find a way to deal with it, and to make ourselves better through it. It's not an easy thing to do. To accept the fact that...


We. are. infertile.


...is not easy. It is hard.
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Infertility is defined (by Resolve: the National Infertility Association) as: a disease or condition of the reproductive system often diagnosed after a couple has one year of unprotected, well-timed intercourse or if the woman suffers from multiple miscarriages. Infertility can be male or female related.

Let me clarify something. Infertility does NOT mean that a couple can't ever have children. It means that a couple who has been trying for a year, has not yet had a successful pregnancy.

Did you know that 1 in 8 couples, or more than 7 million people experience it?

We are one of them.
It. sucks.

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I have to tell you that I hesitate sharing any of this on my personal blog because of a few reasons:

1. I understand that this is not a comfortable subject for some people and they would rather not know about my personal problems. T.M.I?
2. Even the most caring relatives and friends can offer "well-meaning" or "helpful" comments, which actually end up seeming insensitive, rude, or just plain ignorant to someone who is struggling with infertility.
3. This is a very personal journey. Although, I try to be myself on my blog, the "up close and personal" fertility journey has a few more details than I would feel comfortable sharing on my public domain.

So, I started a new blog. I started it in November. I needed a release and I knew that blogging could provide me something of the sort.

I am now inviting you to read it.

The number one reason why I started this blog was to help myself stay away from the cynicism and harshness that seems to interject itself into many things related to infertility that I came across while blogging, chatting, etc. I wanted a place to vent, but mostly I wanted a place to find solace from my thoughts. When I write them down, they seem to be somewhat subdued, at least for a little while.

I opened it to readers after a bit, I wanted to help provide a place for others struggling with infertility to be uplifted...to create a better network for myself and others to learn, cope, and support one another.


And now, I share it with you,

Of course, in my opinion, everyone needs to understand more about infertility. Infertility affects 7.3 million people in the U.S. This figure represents 12% of women of childbearing age, or 1 in 8 couples. (2002 National Survey of Family Growth) and those numbers are increasing. What I believe is most important for friends and family to understand is the emotional and psychological factors that infertility adds to a couples life and relationship...the physical is really, well, none of their business. Unless the couple decides to share those details...it is for the couple and their doctor to discuss.

One thing that has been particularly dominant to me in the past little while is the circle of infertile Mormon women that I have had the chance to become friends with.
It's hard to be infertile, but to me, it's even harder to be infertile in a culture that a woman can end up feeling a little out of place, is she has not "borne a child."
Especially when the "greatest calling that a woman can ever have it that of being a mother."
Think about it.

That's kind of a lot of pressure.

One more reason?
April 23-May 2 is National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW).
And, I hope to do a small part in helping to create awareness.

---------------

I feel the need to provide you with a little introduction. I know many of you have already probably stumbled across the link on my sidebar to my infertility blog. But, hopefully you have read this as well. If not, please do.

----------------

I used to think that there has to be a reason for everything.
I have asked God so many times...Why? Why? Why?

I have come to know that there is no point in asking the question, "WHY?"

Sometimes things just have to happen.

From what I have learned about the premortal existence... I signed up for this trial in heaven. What was I thinking? Your guess is as good as mine. I must have known the outcome. I wonder if I was hesitant or if I walked up to the front of the line and said, I want that one. Give me that trail right there. Maybe I knew what blessings would come of it?

-------------

Joseph Smith's experience in Liberty Jail (DandC 121-122) teaches that if we endure well, God shall bless us.

In the movie Joseph Smith: Prophet of the Restoration, there is a scene in which Joseph receives the revelation in DandC 121:8
" if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high".
A little bit later in the movie, one of the men in the jail with him asks:

"How do we endure well?"
and he answers:

"We trust in God. And we go on."

So that is what Connel and I try to do.

We trust in God.
We give in to his will.
We keep on
LIVING...

...and we try to look:
Beyond the Rain